Ladies, are you having a happy period? The nice people at Proctor & Gamble, the producer of Always pads, really really want you to. That's why they've launched a "Have a happy period" campaign, complete with a "happy period" manifesto.

Written in pale-blue script, the directive reads like a wonky hybrid of the Desiderata and The Declaration of Independence.

"This is the time of month that chocolate was created for," it begins. "This is the time when no toenail should go unpolished. When the gym will get along just fine without you. This is the time when, if something is even slightly annoying, the world should know about it. And if you feel like crying, there is no inappropriate time or place. It's your period. You have the right to make it the best period it can possibly be. And we're here to help."

And how does P&G, the dominant manufacturer of disposable feminine-hygiene products, including Tampax, propose to "help"? Will it finally produce goods that don't include any dioxins, the "class A" carcinogen found in trace amounts in tampons, sanitary pads, panty liners and diapers? Is it working to invent a reusable -- but not yucky -- menstruation product that doesn't add to landfill overload? Does it plan to eliminate chemical scents and "deodorizers" that can cause rashes, allergic reactions and yeast infections when they upset the vagina's pH balance?

Er, no. Its idea of "help" is "empowering" women with billboards telling them to "Put yourself on a pedestal. Buy some heels." Expect more of it. The campaign, which spans print, TV and the Internet, will run through 2006.

It's not surprising the industry wants to perpetuate the notion that menstruation is private and embarrassing, not to be discussed. Or that it wants to put a happy face on it. The press kit for the "Have a happy period" campaign notes that there's Internet access so "women can appreciate and digest the message privately." This is consistent with Kotex offering silly "Ssshhh! Quietest pouch!" packaging, as if being heard opening it would be cause for shame.

It's not. What is shameful is an industry that profits so richly from women's blood telling women to be happy about it. You don't even have to be on your period to be more than slightly annoyed about that.

Leviticus 15 -- ¹⁹ " 'When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.

²⁰ " 'Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. ²¹ Whoever touches her bed must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. ²² Whoever touches anything she sits on must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. ²³ Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, he will be unclean till evening.

²⁴ " 'If a man lies with her and her monthly flow touches him, he will be unclean for seven days; any bed he lies on will be unclean.

²⁵ " 'When a woman has a discharge of blood for many days at a time other than her monthly period or has a discharge that continues beyond her period, she will be unclean as long as she has the discharge, just as in the days of her period. ²⁶ Any bed she lies on while her discharge continues will be unclean, as is her bed during her monthly period, and anything she sits on will be unclean, as during her period. ²⁷ Whoever touches them will be unclean; he must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening.

²⁸ " 'When she is cleansed from her discharge, she must count off seven days, and after that she will be ceremonially clean. ²⁹ On the eighth day she must take two doves or two young pigeons and bring them to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting. ³⁰ The priest is to sacrifice one for a sin offering and the other for a burnt offering. In this way he will make atonement for her before the LORD for the uncleanness of her discharge.

Leviticus 12 --¹ The LORD said to Moses, ² "Say to the Israelites: 'A woman who becomes pregnant and gives birth to a son will be ceremonially unclean for seven days, just as she is unclean during her monthly period. ³ On the eighth day the boy is to be circumcised. ⁴ Then the woman must wait thirty-three days to be purified from her bleeding. She must not touch anything sacred or go to the sanctuary until the days of her purification are over. ⁵ If she gives birth to a daughter, for two weeks the woman will be unclean, as during her period. Then she must wait sixty-six days to be purified from her bleeding.

⁶ " 'When the days of her purification for a son or daughter are over, she is to bring to the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting a year-old lamb for a burnt offering and a young pigeon or a dove for a sin offering. ⁷ He shall offer them before the LORD to make atonement for her, and then she will be ceremonially clean from her flow of blood.
" 'These are the regulations for the woman who gives birth to a boy or a girl. ⁸ If she cannot afford a lamb, she is to bring two doves or two young pigeons, one for a burnt offering and the other for a sin offering. In this way the priest will make atonement for her, and she will be clean.' "